Being a hopeless romantic in a hookup culture is a special kind of hell
I am not a dater. I never have been, and probably never will be. I’ve always been the relationship girl. That’s what we used to do. If you like someone, then you’re together. End of story… Not anymore.
I am at that weird stage of being too old to understand the hook up scenario, too young to be exposed to the chivalry era and smack dab in the middle of what the hell is going on?!
When my last relationship ended, I made a conscious choice to take a break from Noah’s Ark and go solo for awhile. I needed to “find” myself and see about breaking the pattern of guys I was attracting.
I also entertained the idea of just having fun, nothing serious, do what everyone else seemed to be doing, no attachment, no commitment, just raw adult experience. I figured I would learn something along the way.
My first attempt at this didn’t go so well. I met a nice, fun guy I thought was cool. We hung out with friends and on occasion alone. His agenda was different than mine. In his eyes, we were together and in love and that was our fairy tale. And that was on day two. The whole thing was just that, a fairy tale. It just wasn’t something I could believe in. After several months of trying to wiggle free from the emotional straight jacket I found myself in, I moved on to something else.
This time it was with someone half my age! Although VERY self esteem boosting, he wasn’t in the same world of confusion that I was in.
Unlike me, he was very clear on the rules of the millennium code of relationships, or lack thereof.
He was also young, with a whole lifetime to explore. We did have fun for quite awhile, and I learned a lot about myself from this experience, but then our time was up and he drifted on.
There are opportunities and choices that come my way, very nice guys that have their shit together, but fall on the low end of the chemistry chart.
There are very nice guys, I have great chemistry with, that are married.
There are the guys that make it very obvious that they are only looking for one thing, which makes me feel as dirty as a thrown out penny, for the poor schmuck chanting “see a penny, pick it up” to come along.
Then of course are the guys that get a little more creative with it. But it’s still a hook up and we’ll talk about it later, well, maybe we’ll talk later.
I am well aware that us females are a rare creature in ourselves and it’s not always easy to know how to play our cards.
I’ll be the first to admit that I can think like a man, to some degree, when it comes to relationships… I don’t want to be smothered. You don’t have to romance me. I don’t “need” someone. I find it hard to commit. I will gladly let you go hang out with the guys if it means I get a night to myself. I like the bed to myself. I would be okay with seeing you 3 nights a week, or maybe just 2. Haha.
However, I do need to be respected. I do need honesty. I do want to feel special on occasion. Thoughtfulness goes a long way. There has to be trust and communication. And I think there should be a little za za zing.
I didn’t always feel this way. I used to be the lovesick, hopeless romantic, watching Hallmark movies kind of girl. I don’t know, maybe love hardened me, or maybe my expectations became more realistic. Maybe I’ve grown and matured in my self worth and values. Whatever the case, it is still not an easy road to navigate. I do wonder at times, could it really be as simple as I just haven’t found the “one?” And if so, that could have the potential to change everything….
In love and light
