How To Feel Good, When You Feel So Bad

I’ve got a rap sheet a mile long with ailments and health conditions. According to my mom, I came into this world with a cold.  I was always crying because I  didn’t feel good or I couldn’t breathe.

I had a lot of anxiety as a child.  I remember sobbing and being terrified of the wind, of going to swimming lessons, at the start of every school year, and at every sleepover I ever tried to participate in.

For what ever reason, very early on, my world did not feel safe to me.

I always had stomach aches, and digestive issues and every time I would throw up, I’d pass out.  That’s a scary thing for a child.  Didn’t help that the school thought I was abused because I’d have a black eye or bruise from hitting my head on the bathtub or floor.  I’d just say “No. I had the flu.”  (pause for confusion).

Life experiences, also made me question a lot.  I was molested by someone I looked up to at age 7.  Nothing, NOTHING, rips away your innocence like a violation of trust by someone who is supposed to love you.  That is a VERY confusing thing to sort out in an undeveloped mind.

At 16, I was diagnosed with diabetes.  My world shattered. I played tennis in high school, and quit because I didn’t know how to function with my low blood sugars.  It was quite the learning curve and lifestyle adjustment.

I had my tonsils and adenoids taken out when I was 23.  There’s a reason you do this when you’re 5.  Recovery was horrendous. I slept for 3 days straight and didn’t eat for 3 weeks.  Apparently, I had 3 tonsils and they also accidentally lasered off my uvula.  You know, that hangy down thing in the back of your throat? That does have a purpose, after all!  I had to retrain myself to swallow so that everything I ate or drank didn’t come out my nose.  Although a good party trick, not something you want to live with.

I had a hyperthyroid a year later.  Let me tell you that is no joke.  I thought I was a crazy person already, but throw in a major spazzy hormone and welcome to lunatic world!  I literally thought I was going out of my mind.

When I was 27, I was in an accident.

I T-boned a car at 55 mph, who pulled out in front of me.  As I tried to acclimate to my surroundings, thinking I was in the middle of the road, I reached for my door handle to get out and was hit again from behind.  I’m lucky to be alive, really.  I had severe whiplash and a mild traumatic brain injury. For the last 10+ years, I have a neck that just doesn’t seem to want to stay in place.  I have discomfort, dizziness and days where my whole world feels like it’s on tilt.

My anxiety increased 10 fold from that point.  It was very difficult to even leave my house for 3 years.  I was terrified…all…the…time.  I didn’t want to live but I was afraid to die.

Of course my digestive issues continued through all of that, then leading to my inability to eat a couple years ago.  You can read about that here.

To me, all of that combines to a lot of crap to deal with.  Now, I am well aware that many people go through these things and I know there are many that are worse off then I ever have been. I applaud those that go through debilitating diseases and chronic conditions.

It is really hard to stay positive when you try so hard to overcome or take steps to improve, and you keep getting knocked down. I consider myself an optimistic person with a chaser of self sabotage.  It seems like I try and I try, but there’s always one more step to climb, one more hurdle to jump, and one more punch that knocks me to my knees. I don’t believe life should be such a struggle.   It seems so easy for some to get right back up, shake it off and go about their day like nothing happened.  I am so envious of those people.

I know a lot of things go on in the mind, and you’re dealing with emotions and hormones, it’s a wonder any of us can function effectively!  I realize now how important emotions play into the functionality of your body and health.  Your organs are tied to specific unprocessed emotions.   For example, the emotion of anger is held in your liver, suppressed grief is in your lungs, resentment in your gall bladder, and fear in your kidneys, to name a few.

So it is important to own how you feel, without judgement, without trying to hide or run from it.  I also know that feeling grateful for whatever you can find in that moment has very powerful healing affects as well.

When you feel bad, it’s really easy to feel angry, frustrated, and completely defeated.

Sometimes, there is no amount of gratitude and positivity that will turn it around for me.  In these times, all I can do is try to relax in what I’m feeling, try not to push it away or resist it.  Try not to project my fear into it or give it a life sentence, thinking,  “I’ll never get better” or ” there’s always something wrong with me”.  I just breathe into it.  Loving myself, in spite of it and acknowledge that I don’t feel well in this moment.  End of story.  Allowing myself to be okay, even when I’m not okay.

In love and light