A father is supposed to be a man you can look up to, someone you admire. For a girl, your daddy is someone that treats you like a princess, someone who loves you and comforts you. A girls’ dad is the foundation of what the man of your dreams should look like, act like, and how they should treat you.
As a young girl, your basis for every relationship is trying to find a man that can measure up to your dad. I can honestly say I have accomplished this. In all of my relationships I have found at least one of these fine attributes in them; They’re emotionally unavailable, heavy drinkers, unfaithful, or they make me feel invisible. I guess the bar wasn’t set too high…
In my case, I unconsciously went searching to find something that I didn’t get from my dad. I was longing for that feeling of being cherished, adored and loved. I needed to feel like I was good enough.
But unfortunately, you attract that which you know, apparently. I think there’s a rule written about this in the Book of Life somewhere.
Don’t get me wrong, my dad was not an awful or bad man. He didn’t abuse me, he wasn’t mean to me. He showed up to school things and played tennis with me. But I never really felt like he was there. I didn’t feel special. I was jealous of the bond him and my brother shared with sports. We didn’t have anything that I felt connected us.
As I grew older, our relationship felt more and more shallow to me. I assumed that it wouldn’t matter to him if we had a relationship or not, and since I would rather not have one, than to have a superficial one, I walked away. If he wanted to put in an effort, he would. Well, I’ve only seen or heard from him about 4 times in the last 18 years. So I guess my hunch was right.
Knowing that the man who should love you the most, can easily “do without” you, is a hard pill to swallow.
I really had to break the pattern of looking to someone else to fill that void in me, that I needed their love to know I was okay. It was a painful time in my life, not knowing who I was and looking for someone to tell me. I wasn’t good enough unless a guy liked me. It didn’t even matter if I liked him!! Haha, how absurd!
It wasn’t until my late twenties when I started to see what I was doing. I realized that no one was going to be able to give me what I couldn’t give myself.
I wrote my dad a letter explaining why I felt the way I felt and started my closure. I forgave him for not knowing how to be my father. I know he did the best he could with what he knew. And even though that wasn’t enough for me at the time, I’m still okay. I am a good person. I have a lot of great qualities, and because of him, I learned how to love, honor and respect myself. To me, that is the greatest gift he could have ever given me.
In love and light,
I can definitely relate to some of the things you shared. It takes a lot to forgive and move on. Life will hand us new opportunities for healing. He missed my entire childhood and wonderfully enough we were able to connect in later years, but the sting of his absence is still there. I wish you ongoing healing and a great life.
Mia, very honest, humbling and positive. I am happy to hear you have reconnected. Hoping that sting will lessen as you continue your acceptance, forgiveness and healing. Self worth begins and ends with you. I wish you all the best also!
What a beautiful tribute to your father. Thank you for sharing.
Cyndi, Hmmm…ummm, thank you? I’m curious on the way you read the story..I always appreciate feedback!
It is so true that the father daughter relationship is crucial. This gave me a lot to think about as my husband and I raise our four girls. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Anne, thank you for your comment! I am so pleased you got something from this. That relationship is crucial. Your daughters will thrive with the love of both their parents. Wishing you and your family all the best!
Great post! I have 3 girls and was in a bitter divorce when they were very young. I’ve done the best I know how to try and be there for them as a non custodial parent and we have a great relationship now, some 30 years later! It was enlightening to hear your point of view. Thank you!
Tayloe, thank you for your comment. I am so happy that things worked out for you and your daughters. It doesn’t matter when, all that matters is you got there! That is truly wonderful!
As a girl who didn’t have their biological father in my life until AFTER I was an adult (because of his own choices), I can relate to this on a deep level. I struggled with the thought of choosing his other kids and never me. I started to grow a resentment towards him. And even though he’s “here” now, I still haven’t reached the point of forgiveness yet. But you’ve def made me think of how to forgive for the right reasons. Thank you.
Loniesha, Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you were able to get something out of this post. It was a struggle for me for a lot of my life. I can see where it would be for you too. We can grow from everything. I hope you do find the forgiveness and acceptance for your own peace. Much love on your own healing journey.