Being Vulnerable Part II, ….and in Health
{Read Part I In sickness...here}
Another aspect of vulnerability I am challenged with is in relationships.
I am a very capable woman, and I like that about me. But it is a blessing and a curse. I like that I can take care of myself, that I can figure out most things, and that I don’t need someone to rescue me.
But it is also an excuse to not let anyone in. If I need you, you could let me down. If I rely on you, you could disappoint me. If I trust you, you could shatter me.
I haven’t had a real great track record with the men in my life.
I have had [Daddy Issues]. Abuse from someone I looked up to, and a handful of exes that have broken my trust, and left me feeling empty. It just gets exhausting to even try anymore. Why put myself through that, over and over again?
One reason I am hesitant to put myself back out there, is because I have been working really hard on getting to a place where I like where I am. I like who I am.
I’m afraid that this state of centeredness is so fragile, that I would lose that. I’m afraid I would no longer think about what I want. Once someone enters the picture, all of a sudden, it’s about what do they want, how do they feel, what are they thinking? It’s not just me anymore and as time goes on, it’s not about me at all.
I understand It’s about give and take, compromise, a mutual understanding and respect. That is all wonderful, if that’s how it turns out. More often than not, in the end, I become someone I no longer recognize.
I know you’re supposed to take a risk, a leap of faith and trust. All of which are not on my list of personal strengths.
That all being said, I would like to deepen my connection with other people. I am curious if I can better navigate a merging of two souls, now that I have learned some things about myself and have a better understanding of where I have gone wrong in the past.
I know now that I must create personal boundaries. To know and honor what I need and when I need it, and to give that to myself.
I need to realize that I am in control of my situation. That I can go at any pace that feels comfortable. To not be afraid, if I need space, to be honest and up front about needing to pull back a little. I need to realize that saying “yes” to a date does not mean saying “yes” to forever.
I also need to know, really know, that I can trust myself enough to always know that I can handle, or know, what to do in any situation that arises. That I will trust myself enough to not tolerate any behavior that makes me feel less than or disrespected. I have a tendency to see “potential” instead of reality. I sometimes fall in love with the idea, rather than the person.
Being vulnerable is scary. It’s uncomfortable. But I think if I know I’ve always got my own back, no matter what, I may be able to pull this off! And maybe, it could have the potential to enrich my life to a degree that I never thought possible!
What’s the worse that can happen?
Well, I suppose I could end up right where I’ve always been and have to start over….but you know what? Now I know how to do that too. So either way, I think I’m gonna be okay.
In love and light
