Being Vulnerable Part I, In Sickness…..
Read Part II, ……and in health, here
To be vulnerable is not something that many people are good at. Nobody teaches you how to do this. In fact, we are not taught how to feel anything, let alone process our feelings.
I have a real hard time being vulnerable, which I know results in a lot of my anxiety and being an introvert.
I notice this the most when I don’t feel well. Which unfortunately, I haven’t felt ‘well’ for most of my life. [Read How To Feel Good, When You Feel So Bad] Some of which is stemmed from actual symptoms from actual conditions, but also from all the emotional stress I put on myself.
When I don’t feel well, I’m basically saying that, “I’m imperfect.” “Something is ‘wrong’ with me.”
It’s one thing to say this to yourself and take care of it on your own. It is quite another to admit this to someone else, or God forbid, they see that for themselves! Maybe they even have to take care of you!!
A lot of people love to be taken care of when they are a bit under the weather. They regress back to infancy and suck up all the love and attention they can get.
I am the exact opposite of that. My fear is so strong around sickness, I just want to be left alone!
Even if someone around me is sick or hurting, I become a complete germ-a-phobe and run for the hills. So needless to say, I’m not a nurturer in that way.
It is very difficult for me to see, watch, experience, or even hear about someone being in pain, hurt, sick, dying, or in an accident.
My poor ex, God love him, was kicked out of sleeping in the bedroom when either of us were suffering from an ailment. I didn’t want to catch what he had, and I didn’t want him to watch me deal with whatever I had. He was a trooper, and most of the time, did so without complaint. At least I didn’t have him move out during these viral attacks, when honestly, that would have been ideal.
Maybe I suffer alone in this, I don’t know. I know this is extreme. There obviously is something deeply rooted in me, that has caused such a fear in me.
I am learning to be okay with being imperfect. I am learning to be okay with other people’s judgments, and my own. I realize that what I think about myself is far more important than what anyone else thinks of me, I know everyone has their own story, their own shadows, fears and pain. They just may not know how to ‘deal’ with them and may be pushing these things onto others.
I am learning to be okay with accepting where I am and how I am in any given moment.
In love and light
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